Jimble jumble of thoughts

Harrow!!

Forcing myself to blog a blog post before sleeping coz my blog is so bleah!!!

Quite tired so forgive me if I sound incoherent!! Maybe I won't bother to correct my spelling errors either hehehehe.

Anyway I was thinking right...

Everyday I get people telling me I'm hideous/fat/stupid. I mean I've kinda gotten used to it already, but I was contemplating why people continuously do it.

And I realised... I mean, there are a lot of ugly people in the world, but I bet most of them have never been called ugly to their faces before. In fact, it is only VAIN people who get called ugly all the time.

So, it's really all about perception!! You perceiving me to perceive myself to be pretty, so you feel this crazy need to tell me I am wrong!!

See I even drew a graph, this means I am right beyond a doubt.

If you feel that I think I'm mad fugly, then why bother to rub it in? People only like to crush big egos.

But what if I don't really perceive myself to be chio??? I mean, I think my photoshopped self is not bad (maybe 8/10), in real life maybe 6.5/10, and in videos 5.8/10 (wtf why so ugly in videos??).

How's my assessment? Accurate or not? If not you can tell me I'm ugly now.

And I was thinking right... The reason why people think I think I'm very chio is coz I snap so many photos, put on make up, wear hiao clothes, and post so many photos.

Generally people who don't think much of their looks don't bother to post photos. But I love posting photos coz I love photoshopping them!! To me, it's an art.

So much so that when people say "Omg you are so pretty" to me, all I hear is "Omg your photoshop skills are awesome!". And if I can't photoshop my photos, I probably will post really few photos of myself - just like in POTM, there are few photos of me!

There is only two methods to bring make insults (and this applies to other qualities such as intellect etc) stop.

1) Appear to be humble. However, it is my strong belief that being humble rarely gets you noticed. Therefore with no praises nor insults to motivate you, you slip into mediocrity.

2) Get indisputable. Since we are talking about looks here, it is all about improving yourself till you are UNDENIABLY chio. Alexandra Ambrosio also looks like she think she's hot but she is so hot that nobody can ever deny it. However, things like looks cannot be improved beyond a certain point, where you have to resort to either plastic surgery or photoshop. In either case, people will start saying you are fake, because they think you cheated and don't deserved to be called pretty. Whatever. I choose choice 2.

Anyway this brings me to my next point. I have a lot of pretty girlfriends, and you'd think that being pretty brings about a lot of compliments and thus resulting in high self-confidence... But you'd be wrong.

Most pretty girls are insecure about their looks (rather than about their talents/personality/intellect), because they get criticized so much!

For every compliment they get someone else will say "Pretty meh? Her chin so short/face so fat etc". Imagine hearing all reading all these things about yourself all the time!! Upsetting not?



Someone once told me that nobody would ever rate themselves lower than a 5/10. Most people, if they are not mentally ding dong, would think that they are a 5.5, or maybe a 6.

I think it's true.

There are plenty of people who are Threes (afterall, it is an exponential graph, there must be the same amount of Threes as there are Sixes), but due to the lack of criticism on their looks, they start to convince themselves that they are ok-looking.

When in truth nobody criticizes them the same reason why teachers don't bother grooming the students at the bottom of the class. Improve already will just get from bad to average.

That's all fine and dandy but it really irks me to see these hideous beings criticize better-looking people with malice. It is one thing to say behind someone's back that they'd look better with straight teeth (ahem *me*), but to say stuff like "You are so ugly I won't fuck you with a 10 foot pole, Mike must be blind"...?

LIKE PLEASE LAH...

I may not be top notch beautiful, but at least I have the courage to post my photos up (yes, even without photoshop/make up - all you have to do is to view my videos), and accept the criticism that comes with it.

Just because you are mediocre-looking (or worse, likely worse)and a coward, you think you can start insulting people like that meh?

Of course, anyone with a perception of beauty can criticize other peoples' looks, not only good-looking people can - but you can't really add malicious to your character when you look like a bag of warts, can you?

Yes I know I need to lose neck fats, get my teeth straightened, grow taller, lose some weight, get a second nose job - but instead of shouting out these advice to me, why don't you look at your face's flaws, which I'm sure you have, and work on those instead? How about, for a change, you post a photo of yourself and let me criticise your looks? Bet you wouldn't have the guts.

Of course... it's easier to just yell insults at people.

Besides yelling insults, I've realised that people (I imagine ugly ones) also like to say two things. It's like they've all got the same giant brain or something.

1) Don't put so much make up.

2) You are ugly inside.

Re. point 1) You (people who say such things as above) probably don't put make up because make up can't save your looks. As such, the people you hang out with, from the same appearance caste tier, probably don't put on make up too.

And because you have no interest and no knowledge in make up, you start to think that make up is evil and aids and abets concealing one's real looks.

I'm sorry but just because you don't put make up doesn't mean it is ugly, ok?

There is no such thing as too much make up, just BADLY APPLIED make up.

Case in point, Katy Perry with loads of make up:

She won't look better with less make up - she'd just look more common. Now stop pulling us down to your boring, "natural" level and leave us to put make up in peace!

As for men who are also always asking girls to put less make up... Let's face it, girls with make up intimidate you, that's all. You may claim we look like a whore etc, but you just fear rejection from us because make up adds a certain confidence and bitchiness to a person. Of course you prefer the fresh-faced nymph - she would never tell you your penis is tiny.

Re. Point 2)

Who gives a shit about being beautiful inside? Firstly, most people around the world have too many problems of their own to be helping others. Most people are just like me, except I'm a little more foul-mouthed and perhaps a shade more self-centered. But I never aspired to be a saint what, and never claimed to be one. So why are people telling me to improve my personality??!

And secondly... Being beautiful on the inside (yay! Gorgeous pancreas!) does NOT make you beautiful on the outside despite how you try to lie to yourself! And honestly, I'd rather be friends with an interesting person than a nice person. Sucks to be you!

Abrupt end of topic.

*****************

Meanwhile I've also begin to think that life is really meaningless. Depressing post btw if you are feeling suicidal don't read from here on.

Why are humans so bloody complicated? Why are we able to feel terrible, horrific feelings like loneliness or hopelessness or depression?

I have become so close to Mike that even being at home without him for a few hours makes me anxious and sad. It's like wtf? When he goes out I fear that a giant rock will fall on his head and kill him. If he's uncontactable I think he got into a car wreck (CHOY CHOY CHOY). When it coincides with PMS I even cry!! I am so bloody ashamed of myself.

And one day, either he will die first or I'd die first. (Provided we don't break up before that CHOY X 100) Little chance we'd die together at the same time.

If he dies first, I'd have to either learn to live without him or pluck up my courage and kill myself too. And why must dying be so hard? We should just have an on-off switch. How does it feel like to smash yourself against a pavement? Does it hurt more than my eye surgery? Where does your soul go? The unknown is so freaky.

And it's not just about Mike... Just thinking about Momo dying (Choy X 100 again) makes me so scared!! But it's inevitable. As life goes on, people leave you, and they don't come back.

Even at age 26, this freaks me out, so I don't know how older people handle this!! I almost wish I'd die now just so I don't have to face it.

I love my paternal grandparents because they took care of me as a child... However, as they age I've realised that I subconsciously avoid meeting them because I am terrified of being closer to them than I already am. It's horrid. I'm scared that they'd pass away (CHOY) and I can't handle it. Also I'm lazy lah... And I feel so guilty because they love me and they wanna spend time with me. Now writing this makes me feel so horrible. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid things that cause conflict within you altogether... But I guess making an effort to meet them is the right thing to do...

Remember Scrooge in A Christmas Carol? He was protrayed as being friendless and miserly... But sometimes I think he's got it right leh... He does not love, so he does not lose love - which hurts as much as it brings joy, perhaps more. And if he never felt how it feels like to love, then perhaps he'd be just fine since he'd just not know what he's missing.

As for being miserly - he is right! Money buys happiness, and if you have shitloads of money, then the joy money brings you can never be taken away from you! (Unlike that from humans)


Anyway, most people have dreams... My friend just quit her job (which she loved) because she wanted to find herself and to travel the world... She wanted to do something more meaningful like volunteer work.

But I have no such aspirations FML. When people talk about their lofty dreams (which I presume makes them wanna carry on living) and in turn ask me what I want in life, all I really wanted to do (but didn't) was...

1) To attend a prom (and be prom queen! I've never went to prom ever)
2) To join a sorority
3) To be a cheerleader

WTF IS THIS NONSENSE?? All my dreams are like connected with the American Queen Bee stereotype HAHAHAHA

So horrible and superficial... But those things are fun and I am really sad that I am past that age and won't be able to do them anymore!!

I think the reason why I sometimes feel like life seems pretty pointless is because I've peaked too soon.

At like 19 I became indisputably at the top of my game - my hits on my blog were the highest in Singapore (for a personal blog), and has been till today.

Even now my next highest competitor is so far below me I'm not even vaguely threatened.

Not that I want someone to come usurp my crown but I don't really know where to go from here!! I made my mark and... what now?

Sometimes I think I look forward to starting a family with Mike - but kids... Kids are so scary!!

I'm terrified the boys turn out to be useless criminals and the girls turn out to be sluts... I'm scared they change my marriage and make it bad... I don't wanna give up my freedom/looks/career/money.

AND WORSE OF ALL I'M SCARED THEY DIE!!

I'm scared they start to ride a motorcycle, start smoking, start doing drugs, or are really rude to me!!

I scared I don't even like them!!

You may say that all these have to do with correct parenting but I think you are wrong lor!!! It's partly nature too, otherwise why would there be siblings who turn out so differently?

And don't give me bullshit about how being a parent is all about giving unconditional love however your kids turn out. Fuck you lah. Is that why you always see parents being driven to tears and hopelessness by their kids? Nobody can be so selfless and saintly and not bother about their own feelings, ok?

Actually I've been feeling that life is quite meaningless after the last Harry Potter book was written!!

FTS. I blame JK Rowling for my slight depression. Also stupid Steve Carell for quitting The Office!! What want to spend time with his family... WHAT ABOUT US, HIS TV AUDIENCE FAMILY?? Screw us over? Damn you Michael Gary Scott!

Actually I've not really depressed lah... It's a good thing I'm easily distracted coz I get real excited and happy once I go shopping hehehe.

Things to look forward to in life:

- Japan trip in September!!
- Futurama is back!!
- Must live to see Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie break up
- My traditional wedding!!
- My hair will eventually reach my butt, right?
- I wanna see Fann Wong and Chris Lee's baby!! Please let her be still fertile.
- Mike becoming a millionaire (notice I didn't say I'd become a millionaire. By now I know I'm too lazy for that to ever happen)
- And thus having our own ridiculously swanky house
- I wanna watch Tangled!! I think rapunzel will be my favourite Disney princess!!
- Crabmeat linguine!!!
- Maldives for honeymoon before it sinks completely
- I have not seen Jay Chou in concert yet!!

Ok lah this list is good enough for now.

Tata!!

UPDATE: Wah! You GENIUSES!! So I mentioned I hate cowards who are probably more ugly than me criticizing my looks -- Therefore I'm a hypocrite coz I criticize people's looks too! NOT.

Whenever I lambaste anything at all, I AM USING MY IDENTITY. I'm not anonymous. My face, name, race, nationality are all here, is it not? Obviously if the person I insulted is not happy he can just insult me back right? Plus if I get slammed left right center for saying mean stuff usually.

I have no problem with people with an identity saying I'm ugly. Obviously I won't be pleased and might insult them back/defend myself, but at the very least they are not faceless keyboard warriors who have nothing to lose.

Now fuck off.