Are you a rich guy?

That day I asked a rich guy friend of mine: With all the olden talk about matching statuses, is it actually better to date rich or poor girls?

By "rich", I mean girls with perhaps 2 state-of-the-art refrigerators at home. I've come to realise that when it comes to wealth, the best gauge of all will possibly be fridges. If yours is silver and dispenses a choice of crushed or cubed ice, your (insert wealthy kin) possibly draws more than $10,000 a month.

If you have TWO state-of-the-art refrigerators, then you go ahead and double that amount. Ding ding ding! Bonus of another $5k if your fridges BLEND INTO SURROUNDING FURNITURE.

I know you are smiling, because you know I'm correct. Big houses almost always have at least 3 fridges, and the biggest house I've ever been in has a walk-in cold storage room for all their various expensive meats. Damn! Now that's state-of-the-art. A bigass fridge you can walk into!

I'm kidding - I don't know anyone like that, but I'm sure there's someone out there who indeed have spent his childhood "that one time, I almost died coz I hiding in the ice box during hide-and-seek!".

Sigh. Wouldn't it be great to have a state-of-the-art refrigerator?

I know... Those of you with expensive fridges will possibly be all like, "What's so great about having such a nice fridge? It is the food inside that counts what..."

Which is true, mind you. Food is great. But I imagine...

... it must be quite nice to watch a high-resolution video of a snail on my fridge whenever I want to defroze a chicken. While at that, I can also press a button, and the fridge will give me a warm hug.

Awww.

I know fridges don't usually hug people, but that's what makes it state-of-the-art man!

And conversely, by "poor", I mean the average of us who can only afford a normal grey 2-tiered fridge with lotsa cheap magnets on it.

Not necessarily "poor" per se, but she maybe, well, stays in a four-room HDB, average NUS student, etc.

Back to fridges, I would like to tell you more about my own fridge, but you have already seen it in a recent entry.

If it is any consolation, at least my fridge is quite interesting. Years ago when I had a hamster the hamster hid once in the bottom layer of the fridge and we searched everywhere and I don't know why someone removed the layer and found him there. Weird.

"But Wendy," you exclaim. "I have a nice fridge but I am not rich leh!"

SHUT UP. You are one of those rich people who refuse to admit they are rich, citing Bill Gates as a comparison. Har de har har, so funny. Now go tune your ferrari or something - it is not up to you to judge whether you are rich.

Oh my, big digression about fridges.

As I was saying, is it better, if you are a rich guy, to date a rich girl, than to date a poor girl?

OF COURSE my analysis is biased. It is based on STEREOTYPES. The typical spoilt, princessy, rich girl, compared to your average, I-poor-but-I-nice Cinderella.

If you are rich but not spoilt, then I am not talking about you, so don't get offended over nothing.

If you are poor but nasty, then I am also not talking about you either, but since you are nasty you will get offended anyway.


Here we go - DATING 101 FOR THE RICH MAN:

Basically, for dating to go smoothly for men, a simple formula must be fulfilled.

LEAST maintenance TO GET MAXIMUM sex --> OVER THE LONGEST TIME.

Maintenance

Money

Rich Girl: My rich guy friend, now known as MRGF, told me that many of his RGFs have this misconception that rich girls are cheaper to "maintain", since they have their own money to spend.

They have come to realise that it is not true because rich girls will simply finish spending Daddy's money, and spend boyfriend's money next, both of which they got by teh-ing.

They are used to generous monetary rewards to show love, so the more you spend, the more you love her.

BONUS! As a reward, she will buy you gifts too, MRGF said, his diamond earring sparkling.

Poor Girl: Hawker food doesn't get her stomach upset. This fashion's average blouse costs only $20 at max.

Conversely, don't expect her to buy you much, unless she is a highly-paid beer girl or something.

However, as a rich guy you must make the fact that you are rich stand out, because poor girls usually like bad guys, or very nice guys (who have been after them for like 8 years).

To show her you are different thus superior, just choose the most expensive of your family's convertibles, and bring her on a date on your yacht (or your RGF's. Whatever). Bound to be quite impressed already.

WINNER: Depending on how much of a scrooge you are. While a Prada dress may be more expensive than This Fashion's, it is also more of an arm trophy when you bring her out.

Driving

Cars, cars, cars. Whether you like it or not rich guy, cars are usually associated with you. I will never forget what an ex date said. I was patting the hood of his, at the expense of sounding like I am haolianing, a certain wide yellow machine.

I asked him why he chose such a model, totally expecting, guys being guys, to state the speed, turbo, horse power, etc.

Instead he frowned and replied, "Why, it gets the chicks."

I never really heard him, as I was busy humping the car.

Rich Girl: It is, once again, an urban legend that you don't need to drive rich girls around as they have their own cars. In the rich couples I have encountered, the rich guys are ALWAYS picking their rich girlfriends up.

ALWAYS. It doesn't matter that she drives; excuses will pop up. I will be drunk, I will go to Malaysia and I don't dare, school no place to park, my hand pain etc.

The reason is because the rich girls' rich girlfriends have their rich boyfriends pick them up too. If you don't pick her up, or she has to drive herself, it makes her paiseh among her friends.

And don't you dare.

Poor Girl: Of course she will prefer you to drive her around too, because being driven in a swanky car is addictive.

But she is, at heart, a bus person, and so are all her friends (who stay around her coz she is from a neighbourhood school). They don't mind meeting at Bedok interchange to go to town together.

When you do pick her up in your ride, her friends "wow" extra, and thus, she will be extra happy you made the effort.

Bonus! Like Daomingsi in Meteor Garden, occasionally sit on a bus with her to accomodate her lifestyle. It is not that tough, really, and it only costs like $1.60. And surprise! All buses are air conditioned now!

When on a crowded bus, holler at a random person to stand up and let you sit down. They should. Or you slap them with a wad of 50 dollar notes.

Winner: Rich girl. Who cares about buses? Slow rough machines. And plus, if you date rich girl, you can use her family's Aston Martin, and you heard that's really a smooth ride.

Insecurity efforts

Girls get insecure every month or so. You have to constantly remind her you love her, or you won't get sex. You still can, by duct taping her, but I am presuming that will make her even more insecure.

Rich Girl: Several months into your relationship, you realise you have sucked yourself into a ridiculous vortex. When you first dated her and really wanted to lift her skirt, you gave her Tiffany's, and promised her Vertus later.

Now she is over the Tiffany phase, and giving Tiff's means you love her only as much as when you just knew her. It is because we had sex, thats why you don't love me so much anymore? she asks, her Lancome mascara running.

You know only Vertu can save your ass now, but you are strangely unwilling to buy it now that you have seen what is under that skirt.

However!!! You should have never gone into that vortex. From the start, never use gifts as a form of love. Instead, do free things like baking heart shaped cookies or folding stars. Chicks, rich or poor, dig whatever you do to make her feel special.

Poor Girl: Remember when I said poor girls either date very nice guys or really bad guys?

If you intend to do the cookies stunt for insecurity, it won't work if she dated a nice guy before. He has possibly done everything, including waking up at 2am, taking a cab to her place, and killing a cockroach. You can't beat that.

My advice is that it is possibly better to keep poor girl insecure about herself. As it is, she possibly deems herself to be inferior to you, and thus will tend to overcompensate.

She will get tired of this, so do give her a Guess watch or something occasionally.

But exploit her insecurity to get her to do something for you. That's right, that would be sex. Ain't life great?

Winner: Duh. Poor girl.

Compatibility efforts

Rich Girl: Her parents would like to meet your parents for a casual lunch at Singapore Island Country Club. Is that ok? After meeting you, they warn you not to have sex with their daughter.

Poor Girl: Her mom's just happy you ain't that bad, motorcycle-riding guy. Family might occasionally fall into heavy gambling debts from the loansharks though, so you might have to pay. This makes poor girl even more insecure and indebted to you. Yes, sex.

Winner: Poor girl. Someone told me about a friend of his who dated a rich girl, and the family gave the guy a CAR coz he didn't have one to take his girlfriend around. Now that's great, but I am presuming since you are a rich guy you already have a car and that won't happen.

Sex

Rich Girl: The rich girl loses because she usually requires far more maintenance to get lesser sex. You can try keeping her on a barethread of happiness, but 1) her temper sucks and 2) there are constantly guys trying to hit on her because they think dating rich girls rule.

BONUS! Have you had sex on a velvet water bed with fluffy pink pillows and the word "Princess" stuck on with diamantes on the ceiling? I am presuming that would be quite fun.

Poor Girl: We declare our poor girl as the winner. She's easy to date and can possibly cook better.

The food, however, can't be that fresh being in that lousy fridge, so it's time to upgrade a state-of-the-art one for her.